None of them are you

I’m sure in time I’ll find the one who makes me forget everything you are and keeps me from thinking about everything you can be.  For now, you invade the silent space between my heart and mind and timeless memories roll like waves behind my eyes.

So until then, none of them are you and you were never mine and we were never anything but a dream.

Hey Everyone its Face!

My girl has no idea that I’m using her computer.  She thinks I’m taking my early evening nap upstairs while she watches recordings of General Hospital, which is something called a Soap Opera.  I’m not sure why it’s called General Hospital, because it never seems like the people are ever actually at the hospital.

I don’t understand what a Soap Opera is, but it seems like it’s filled with a lot of drama and a lot of characters that are really hard to keep track of.  When the other ladies in my girls’ family get together, they talk about the characters as if they’re real people which seems really strange.

The last two days, my girl had a person named Monica come visit me during the day.  She walks me to the green space next to the house and it feels really nice to get out and do my thing earlier than usual.  When we come back to the house she says things to me in Spanish and gives me cookies.

This past weekend, my girl took me to the vet for acupuncture and I got an anti-anxiety treatment.  It seemed to help for a day or two, but today, I just had to get up really early in the morning and let my girl know I needed something.  I actually don’t really remember what I needed, but at the time it seemed really important and I had to let my girl know right away.  So I spent some time barking until she finally got out of bed.

She did not seem very happy with me, especially when she woke up later and realized she slept through her alarm and missed the beginning of her water aerobics class.  I know that it’s important to her, but not as important as I am.

I really do plan to sleep through the night tonight, but I can’t make any promises because when you get to be my age, anything can happen.  My girl just let me out for what she thinks is going to be the last time tonight.  I know she hopes I sleep through the night, because according to the little device she wears on her wrist that interfaces with her phone, she’s only gotten about five hours of sleep a night since Sunday.

I think I hear her coming upstairs now….shhh…

 

Morning Pillow Self Talk

It starts at 5:15am.

The sound of the alarm is supposed to give the impression that the Earth is turning and raising it’s face to the sun. I picked it because I believe it will make me feel good about facing the day myself. But being wrapped here in my cocoon feels so much better than that. And then it starts…the internal dialogue that plagues any depressive…..

Mind – Hit snooze, we could lay here all day.
Soul – That’s a different version of the life we want to live.
Body – OMG everything hurts…whatever we decide will be fine.
M – Was that nine minutes already…hit it again, it’s only 5:30…
B – Yep…
S – Our dog is over there snoring.  Where is the cat?
M – Seriously – did we even sleep just now. What time is our first meeting? Let’s just reset the alarm for 6:30, we can trampoline when we get home from work.

The body responds without hesitation.  The alarm is reset, the intention we set as we went to bed last night abandoned.  The rationale is being formulated as we hug our pillow and try to drift back to sleep….

B – We have to pee.
M – We can hold it.
B – We have to pee.
M – Where is the cat?
S – It’s nearly 6am…We’re not going to trampoline  when we get home, we’re going to be exhausted and we’re going to just want to chill.  How is this executing on the goals that we’ve set?
M – We’re listening to our body…we need rest…we stayed up too late…we need to recover from the lack of sleep last night, we’re not getting nearly enough sleep.
B – We have to pee.
S – We can still get 30 minutes in at the pool and make the 8am meeting.  Get out of bed…

And that’s how it goes….not every day….but most days…this conversation…this…I could lay here all day…this…do I really need to go out there…this….I just don’t have it in me…and just about every day…I get out of bed…I go to the pool…I live the life I need to live to achieve the goals I’ve set. And I come home to my dog and my cat and I’m grateful for the work I did for the day, and I’m grateful for them and I’m grateful for the life I’m living. And then…I go to bed and do it all over again.  Not because I want to, but because I have to.  Because I wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t, I would barely be living.

I’m fascinated by those people that end up trapped in their homes because they eat and eat and eat so much that they have to be cut out of the room they’re in.  What is that internal dialogue like?  What pain brought that soul to that place?  Does it need to be understood to be embraced and healed?  It’s hard to let something go when we’ve identified with it for so long.  It’s so much a part of who we were, and who we are, and who we are becoming.

And it’s the becoming that’s the result of that internal dialogue.  The one we have in the early mornings; body, mind and soul, as the earth turns it’s face to the sun and we turn to face the day.

 

A journey in words

Everything I’ve experienced up to this moment brought me here. And for you it is the same. And for this moment, we’re sharing these thoughts, this time, this space. The vast potential of an idea and all things in between.

Is it coincidence?

coincidence
[koh-in-si-duh ns]

noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance: Our meeting in Venice was pure coincidence.

2. the condition or fact of coinciding.

3. an instance of this.

Perhaps, but I prefer to think providence may be at play.

providence
[prov-i-duh ns]

noun
1. (often initial capital letter) the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth.

2. (initial capital letter) God, especially when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.

3. a manifestation of divine care or direction.

4. provident or prudent management of resources; prudence.

5. foresight; provident care.

Dictionaries, I’m afraid, are quite a thing of the past. Just yellowed pages you find on your grandmothers’ shelf. Something you can lose yourself in if you give yourself the time, or take the time you need. Exploring, defining, learning, creating. Lessons comprised of flipping through pages in sixth grade class, trying to define something, anything, this looks interesting, what was it again?

The definitions sited above can be found at dictionary.com. Give yourself some time to explore when you have a moment.