Switches and Dials

There were times when I was angry and there were times when I was numb.  There were years when I wandered; kind of searching for something or maybe for someone.   I spent some time with musicians; one of the last lemmings, a girl called new age val, a small town paranoid, half of an exploding knoll.  And it was during this time, that I taught myself how to mix sound.

Layers of tracks that can be faded or bounced.  Take upon take until the perfect combination of harmony and rhythm is achieved.  I didn’t realize it then, but life lessons were at play among those switches and dials on that board.  You could suppress something with a touch or you could gradually reach an ideal state by fine-tuning.

Years later I started to think that people were like switches and dials.  At first, they were compartmentalized, you were a switch or you were a dial.  As time went on though, I realized, people are more like the entire sound boards.  We all have switches and dials.  Some things are easy to switch on or off;  you can take a different route to work, because of construction, or start each day with a big drink of water.  Other things require more fine tuning;  you integrate more diet and exercise into your life or open yourself up to giving and receiving love and all that it entails.

So now, I spend my time mixing frequencies and layers as I write the music of my life and I share it for everyone to hear.

These days…

I’ve been kind of turned around lately, maybe even upside down.  I’ve been reading a book that says, when this happens, it’s the universe saying…”are you sure this is what you want”?

“Of course,” I say…yes!

Things that may appear to be small seem to be aligned to others and hold much meaning.  Feelings are triggered and surface at odd times.  Confidence builds and wanes in the course of a conversation.  I remind myself that no ones actions should lead me to doubt my worth and that I was fine before I met him and I’ll be fine regardless of whether he’s interested or not.  Everything up to this moment brought me here, there’s something to be learned from everyone I meet.  I know I’m here for a reason, I know I am on the right path.

I have depression, someone once asked me, what kind it was…I responded, “the kind that makes it completely impossible to do anything, to get out of bed or to care”. Dis-ease, it’s an appropriate term for what afflicts so many in one way or another, but this “depression” does not define me.  I’m medicated, I’m in therapy, I journal, but I don’t think you can cure it, you manage it.  It’s always there…And so the other day, I decided, it’s not “my depression”, it’s “my red balloon.”

My red balloon can soar high among the clouds, and skip along the breeze.  My red balloon can get caught up in the trees and will sometimes lose it’s way.  There are days when my red balloon gets so low that it just tumbles and skips along the ground.  Anything is possible for my red balloon.  I will never allow it to be deflated to the point where its’ lifeless shell is left just lying limp and alone in the street to walked all over or worse, discarded.  My red balloon is always with me, reminding me of how to fly, giving me hope and showing me the way to fight through anything that  tries to keep it down.

My birthday is in a week, the date is serendipitous.  47 on 4/7…I don’t feel this old.  I’ve always kind of felt like I’ve had a young soul.  I’ve met people years younger than me that possessed so much insight and knowledge.  So much patience and stability.  I read once the soul continues to evolve until it breaks apart and then searches for its twin and when it finds it, the souls journey is complete.  I also read  once that the human mind processes 11 million pieces of information every second.  At least, I’m pretty sure I read that once, retention of information is not one of my strengths.  Actually, it’s more like selective retention., some things don’t need to stay  Like people, some ideas are just more appealing than others.

And so my thoughts go around and around and bring me back to the place I started.  The challenges I face these days, I choose to embrace them.  These are the experiences I that I need to have, the lessons that I need to learn, the lessons that say….love and be loved.