I have furry children.
When I was younger I would say I didn’t want kids. I didn’t like kids. I would say…I might as well have one, if I’m going to suffer each month as dramatically as I do, I might as well go through the gift of childbirth at least once. So still, it hasn’t happened and I wonder now if it ever will. A while back, I thought of doing it on my own, about finding an agency, making a choice, engineering the perfect child. But I realized, I don’t want to do it alone. If I’m destined to have a child, I will wait until I find love and if he and I are lucky enough to be blessed with a child, then it will be. I don’t think about it that much really, even on mothers day. But for some reason, this year is different.
How do we choose who we love? Why do some people appeal to us more than others? Why are we willing to give ourselves to some and not others? Why don’t we understand the consequences of the choices we make? I could hear them talking in the hallway, there was something wrong, why wasn’t I at the hospital. I knew there had to be something wrong, because I never knew he was there, until a day before he wasn’t.
And so I close this Mothers’ Day knowing that everything that has happened is part of something bigger. Something so much bigger than all of this and it will be so worth it when it comes.