I want…

to put my arms around the world and sing it sweet lullabies filled with dreams of hope and peace.

I want to paint the sky with folk songs written in the clouds that celebrate the land and air and sea.

I want to hold your hand in a field of sunflowers and have the love we feel blanket the earth until all the anger fades away.

I want my tears to cause a flood that washes away the pain.  I want what you want, for all of it to stop.

Isn’t that what we all want?

Mirrors and Windows

I’m standing there in the mirror replaying those moments I can’t contain the emotions I feel. It’s awkward crying at yourself watching your face change from peaceful to struggling and this quiet all knowing voice in my head said, it’s not a race. It’s a journey and the journey of this you – this passionate kind beautiful patient you has really only just begun.

A little over a year ago I started writing to my dad. We had been estranged since I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was filled with should haves, could haves, wanted to and didn’t. There were a couple of things that led up to the moment of my reaching out but the primary reason was that I realized I could never have an open, loving, trusting relationship with any man until I had one with the most important man in my life. It took him a while to come around – close to four months or so. I have asked to see him but he just isn’t there, I don’t know if he ever will be and that’s ok. So we write letters and I think of him often and I fully accept that this is what he is willing and capable of giving and for that I am so grateful.

So why did I find myself going through the emotions in the mirror and wishing I could just turn my feelings off?  There’s always questions when it starts….Why are we drawn to the people we’re drawn to? What makes one person attracted to another and not some? Is it chemical? Is it mystical? There’s a song by the xx, they say…”I’ve been a romantic for so long, all I’ve ever had are love songs”…I always come back to those moments, they fill my dreams and all of it brings me right back to this mirror.   So, there’s a hint of longing in my eyes..and although I’ll turn on the smile and face the day, these windows will reflect my soul.

Switches and Dials

There were times when I was angry and there were times when I was numb.  There were years when I wandered; kind of searching for something or maybe for someone.   I spent some time with musicians; one of the last lemmings, a girl called new age val, a small town paranoid, half of an exploding knoll.  And it was during this time, that I taught myself how to mix sound.

Layers of tracks that can be faded or bounced.  Take upon take until the perfect combination of harmony and rhythm is achieved.  I didn’t realize it then, but life lessons were at play among those switches and dials on that board.  You could suppress something with a touch or you could gradually reach an ideal state by fine-tuning.

Years later I started to think that people were like switches and dials.  At first, they were compartmentalized, you were a switch or you were a dial.  As time went on though, I realized, people are more like the entire sound boards.  We all have switches and dials.  Some things are easy to switch on or off;  you can take a different route to work, because of construction, or start each day with a big drink of water.  Other things require more fine tuning;  you integrate more diet and exercise into your life or open yourself up to giving and receiving love and all that it entails.

So now, I spend my time mixing frequencies and layers as I write the music of my life and I share it for everyone to hear.

Missed Approach

You’re locked in on the target and begin a slow descent.

Hovering, wafting, tilt to one side then the next. It’s actually quite a peaceful engagement.

You can see what lies beneath you and you know where you’ve been.

The landing is inevitable- until – you pull up – let go of hope – turn and try again.

You circle – this time determined – the path is clear – you’re free to land – you’re free to live – you’re free to love.

You’re finally home.

What if….

That day was the beginning of something beautiful and unruly.

A dream brought us to this place. The  courage of my approach has resulted in these moments that I want to linger longer in with you. The words you speak mean something more to me than what you’re saying and my soul wants to believe that what is there is true.

You have broken my heart wide open and there’s nothing I can do.

So I shine my light and know that you can see me while I send all my love to you.

The In Between

There’s something about the moments before the rising and the setting of the sun.  In the wake of a world filled with both light and dark, I find a sense of peace.

While dawn breaks, there’s solace, the cold night over, shadows are receding.  Those brief moments filled with hope and endless potential.  As the day unfolds the distractions and interruptions, the bustling and dizziness invades the quiet world I’ve imagined exists in the in between.

As night falls, sky painters send their color and light dancing across the clouds. Stars reveal themselves in spark and shimmer and my mind sees endless possibilities in the shadows on the horizon.  The cold is comforting in its clarity before the unknown of dreams and darkness.   The light keeps me longing for the moments of the in between.

Morning Pillow Self Talk

It starts at 5:15am.

The sound of the alarm is supposed to give the impression that the Earth is turning and raising it’s face to the sun. I picked it because I believe it will make me feel good about facing the day myself. But being wrapped here in my cocoon feels so much better than that. And then it starts…the internal dialogue that plagues any depressive…..

Mind – Hit snooze, we could lay here all day.
Soul – That’s a different version of the life we want to live.
Body – OMG everything hurts…whatever we decide will be fine.
M – Was that nine minutes already…hit it again, it’s only 5:30…
B – Yep…
S – Our dog is over there snoring.  Where is the cat?
M – Seriously – did we even sleep just now. What time is our first meeting? Let’s just reset the alarm for 6:30, we can trampoline when we get home from work.

The body responds without hesitation.  The alarm is reset, the intention we set as we went to bed last night abandoned.  The rationale is being formulated as we hug our pillow and try to drift back to sleep….

B – We have to pee.
M – We can hold it.
B – We have to pee.
M – Where is the cat?
S – It’s nearly 6am…We’re not going to trampoline  when we get home, we’re going to be exhausted and we’re going to just want to chill.  How is this executing on the goals that we’ve set?
M – We’re listening to our body…we need rest…we stayed up too late…we need to recover from the lack of sleep last night, we’re not getting nearly enough sleep.
B – We have to pee.
S – We can still get 30 minutes in at the pool and make the 8am meeting.  Get out of bed…

And that’s how it goes….not every day….but most days…this conversation…this…I could lay here all day…this…do I really need to go out there…this….I just don’t have it in me…and just about every day…I get out of bed…I go to the pool…I live the life I need to live to achieve the goals I’ve set. And I come home to my dog and my cat and I’m grateful for the work I did for the day, and I’m grateful for them and I’m grateful for the life I’m living. And then…I go to bed and do it all over again.  Not because I want to, but because I have to.  Because I wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t, I would barely be living.

I’m fascinated by those people that end up trapped in their homes because they eat and eat and eat so much that they have to be cut out of the room they’re in.  What is that internal dialogue like?  What pain brought that soul to that place?  Does it need to be understood to be embraced and healed?  It’s hard to let something go when we’ve identified with it for so long.  It’s so much a part of who we were, and who we are, and who we are becoming.

And it’s the becoming that’s the result of that internal dialogue.  The one we have in the early mornings; body, mind and soul, as the earth turns it’s face to the sun and we turn to face the day.

 

A journey in words

Everything I’ve experienced up to this moment brought me here. And for you it is the same. And for this moment, we’re sharing these thoughts, this time, this space. The vast potential of an idea and all things in between.

Is it coincidence?

coincidence
[koh-in-si-duh ns]

noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance: Our meeting in Venice was pure coincidence.

2. the condition or fact of coinciding.

3. an instance of this.

Perhaps, but I prefer to think providence may be at play.

providence
[prov-i-duh ns]

noun
1. (often initial capital letter) the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth.

2. (initial capital letter) God, especially when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.

3. a manifestation of divine care or direction.

4. provident or prudent management of resources; prudence.

5. foresight; provident care.

Dictionaries, I’m afraid, are quite a thing of the past. Just yellowed pages you find on your grandmothers’ shelf. Something you can lose yourself in if you give yourself the time, or take the time you need. Exploring, defining, learning, creating. Lessons comprised of flipping through pages in sixth grade class, trying to define something, anything, this looks interesting, what was it again?

The definitions sited above can be found at dictionary.com. Give yourself some time to explore when you have a moment.