Category: Random Thoughts

to put my arms around the world and sing it sweet lullabies filled with dreams of hope and peace.

I want to paint the sky with folk songs written in the clouds that celebrate the land and air and sea.

I want to hold your hand in a field of sunflowers and have the love we feel blanket the earth until all the anger fades away.

I want my tears to cause a flood that washes away the pain.  I want what you want, for all of it to stop.

Isn’t that what we all want?

I’m standing there in the mirror replaying those moments I can’t contain the emotions I feel. It’s awkward crying at yourself watching your face change from peaceful to struggling and this quiet all knowing voice in my head said, it’s not a race. It’s a journey and the journey of this you – this passionate kind beautiful patient you has really only just begun.

A little over a year ago I started writing to my dad. We had been estranged since I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was filled with should haves, could haves, wanted to and didn’t. There were a couple of things that led up to the moment of my reaching out but the primary reason was that I realized I could never have an open, loving, trusting relationship with any man until I had one with the most important man in my life. It took him a while to come around – close to four months or so. I have asked to see him but he just isn’t there, I don’t know if he ever will be and that’s ok. So we write letters and I think of him often and I fully accept that this is what he is willing and capable of giving and for that I am so grateful.

So why did I find myself going through the emotions in the mirror and wishing I could just turn my feelings off?  There’s always questions when it starts….Why are we drawn to the people we’re drawn to? What makes one person attracted to another and not some? Is it chemical? Is it mystical? There’s a song by the xx, they say…”I’ve been a romantic for so long, all I’ve ever had are love songs”…I always come back to those moments, they fill my dreams and all of it brings me right back to this mirror.   So, there’s a hint of longing in my eyes..and although I’ll turn on the smile and face the day, these windows will reflect my soul.

There were times when I was angry and there were times when I was numb.  There were years when I wandered; kind of searching for something or maybe for someone.   I spent some time with musicians; one of the last lemmings, a girl called new age val, a small town paranoid, half of an exploding knoll.  And it was during this time, that I taught myself how to mix sound.

Layers of tracks that can be faded or bounced.  Take upon take until the perfect combination of harmony and rhythm is achieved.  I didn’t realize it then, but life lessons were at play among those switches and dials on that board.  You could suppress something with a touch or you could gradually reach an ideal state by fine-tuning.

Years later I started to think that people were like switches and dials.  At first, they were compartmentalized, you were a switch or you were a dial.  As time went on though, I realized, people are more like the entire sound boards.  We all have switches and dials.  Some things are easy to switch on or off;  you can take a different route to work, because of construction, or start each day with a big drink of water.  Other things require more fine tuning;  you integrate more diet and exercise into your life or open yourself up to giving and receiving love and all that it entails.

So now, I spend my time mixing frequencies and layers as I write the music of my life and I share it for everyone to hear.

You’re locked in on the target and begin a slow descent.

Hovering, wafting, tilt to one side then the next. It’s actually quite a peaceful engagement.

You can see what lies beneath you and you know where you’ve been.

The landing is inevitable- until – you pull up – let go of hope – turn and try again.

You circle – this time determined – the path is clear – you’re free to land – you’re free to live – you’re free to love.

You’re finally home.

There’s something about the moments before the rising and the setting of the sun.  In the wake of a world filled with both light and dark, I find a sense of peace.

While dawn breaks, there’s solace, the cold night over, shadows are receding.  Those brief moments filled with hope and endless potential.  As the day unfolds the distractions and interruptions, the bustling and dizziness invades the quiet world I’ve imagined exists in the in between.

As night falls, sky painters send their color and light dancing across the clouds. Stars reveal themselves in spark and shimmer and my mind sees endless possibilities in the shadows on the horizon.  The cold is comforting in its clarity before the unknown of dreams and darkness.   The light keeps me longing for the moments of the in between.