Guideposts

The universe has a funny way of showing you the way.  It’s subtle in it’s obviousness, if only you pay attention.

This weekend I walked the Paint Mines and as I walked I listened; to the sound of birds telling the world that they’re here, to the sound of the things of man bouncing off the formations and to the sound of my thoughts echoing through the canyons of my mind.

While each step took me closer to another view of another world, they took me farther and farther back to the days when I walked the tall grass around the pond where my grandparents lived.  I could walk for hours;  listening to nature, telling myself stories of a dreamy past life.  I was an Indian Maiden guide and I was showing him the way.  I smile when I think of those days, so much simpler, so much of everything possible.  So much of whatever, whenever, how ever…

That dreamy past life, this dreamy future.  I take one step closer, listening, seeing the signs, believing it’s true.

 

 

 

 

Mothers Day

I have furry children.

When I was younger I would say I didn’t want kids.  I didn’t like kids.  I would say…I might as well have one, if I’m going to suffer each month as dramatically as I do, I might as well go through the gift of childbirth at least once.  So still, it hasn’t happened and I wonder now if it ever will.  A while back, I thought of doing it on my own, about finding an agency, making a choice, engineering the perfect child.  But I realized, I don’t want to do it alone.  If I’m destined to have a child, I will wait until I find love and if he and I are lucky enough to be blessed with a child, then it will be.  I don’t think about it that much really, even on mothers day.  But for some reason, this year is different.

How do we choose who we love?  Why do some people appeal to us more than others?  Why are we willing to give ourselves to some and not others?  Why don’t we understand the consequences of the choices we make?  I could hear them talking in the hallway, there was something wrong, why wasn’t I at the hospital.  I knew there had to be something wrong, because I never knew he was there, until a day before he wasn’t.

And so I close this Mothers’ Day knowing that everything that has happened is part of something bigger.  Something so much bigger than all of this and it will be so worth it when it comes.

Two trees

She would stare blankly out the window contemplating the pair of trees in the neighbors yard as he droned on.  His drunken animation amplified by the sound of coffee cup on saucer. Boys only want one thing – they’ll try to get you alone, they’ll touch you. Her mother sat at the other side of the table adding nothing to the conversation.

I want to be one of those trees she said to herself – they swayed in the wind – a light breeze would make them dance and in the worst of storms they would only bend. She nodded without thinking unaware that the words were sinking in and taking over in a way she wouldn’t discover for years.

She was smart and yet so stupid at the same time. She liked them all, they could take her away- she was willing to pay the price with that one thing, they wouldn’t just use her and throw her away.  He asked me to go to his hockey game, he called to go to the roller rink and he held my hand, he came to watch me play softball, he walked me to the bus when I got hurt in the soccer game.

When the phone rang she wasn’t home or she couldn’t come to the phone.  She was never allowed to answer. So much everything…wake up sleeping beauty, water thrown.  Stop mumbling, slow down, shoulders back.  Shoe shine, clean your room, take a bath, take another bath, what you believe isn’t real. Nowhere was safe, accusations, beatings, you’re a Lye-errr.  Screaming so no one could hear.  I am a good person.  Why is this happening….it’s Wednesday….

Anger follows the lost truth, monster, scratching burning, banging – always the face – wishing for the scars to show, this is what I’m living, this is what I’m wearing. Feelings were numbed and buried deep beneath 100 pounds of armor. And she let them touch her without knowing knowing how to touch. Hoping for nothing and wanting it all.  She floated through circles and glass hallways, over bridges and under stars, climbed roofs and slid down skree.

Karma’s debt paid, the armor’s been shed. Now she watches the trees and knows that love can be pure and beautiful and free.  The echoes of those lessons fade and new truths embraced.

 

These days…

I’ve been kind of turned around lately, maybe even upside down.  I’ve been reading a book that says, when this happens, it’s the universe saying…”are you sure this is what you want”?

“Of course,” I say…yes!

Things that may appear to be small seem to be aligned to others and hold much meaning.  Feelings are triggered and surface at odd times.  Confidence builds and wanes in the course of a conversation.  I remind myself that no ones actions should lead me to doubt my worth and that I was fine before I met him and I’ll be fine regardless of whether he’s interested or not.  Everything up to this moment brought me here, there’s something to be learned from everyone I meet.  I know I’m here for a reason, I know I am on the right path.

I have depression, someone once asked me, what kind it was…I responded, “the kind that makes it completely impossible to do anything, to get out of bed or to care”. Dis-ease, it’s an appropriate term for what afflicts so many in one way or another, but this “depression” does not define me.  I’m medicated, I’m in therapy, I journal, but I don’t think you can cure it, you manage it.  It’s always there…And so the other day, I decided, it’s not “my depression”, it’s “my red balloon.”

My red balloon can soar high among the clouds, and skip along the breeze.  My red balloon can get caught up in the trees and will sometimes lose it’s way.  There are days when my red balloon gets so low that it just tumbles and skips along the ground.  Anything is possible for my red balloon.  I will never allow it to be deflated to the point where its’ lifeless shell is left just lying limp and alone in the street to walked all over or worse, discarded.  My red balloon is always with me, reminding me of how to fly, giving me hope and showing me the way to fight through anything that  tries to keep it down.

My birthday is in a week, the date is serendipitous.  47 on 4/7…I don’t feel this old.  I’ve always kind of felt like I’ve had a young soul.  I’ve met people years younger than me that possessed so much insight and knowledge.  So much patience and stability.  I read once the soul continues to evolve until it breaks apart and then searches for its twin and when it finds it, the souls journey is complete.  I also read  once that the human mind processes 11 million pieces of information every second.  At least, I’m pretty sure I read that once, retention of information is not one of my strengths.  Actually, it’s more like selective retention., some things don’t need to stay  Like people, some ideas are just more appealing than others.

And so my thoughts go around and around and bring me back to the place I started.  The challenges I face these days, I choose to embrace them.  These are the experiences I that I need to have, the lessons that I need to learn, the lessons that say….love and be loved.

 

 

Traveling without you

In my dreams, you and I fly first class to a tropical destination with turquoise water, white beaches, crystal skies and palm trees.

I get the window, you get the aisle.

We share observations from the flight; the temperature, the turbulence, the smells.

We read separate books and visit worlds unique to eachothers’ and our own.

Every once in a while, I lean into you, you stroke my hand, or we just look at each other and feel thankful for the magic that brought our journeys to the place that led to this love.

I am safe with you.

I bury myself in you and you protect me….from the stares, the words, the blows, the memories and sometimes, you can keep me from the thoughts of doubt and despair.

With you I am home, no matter where we are.

And then I realize, you aren’t there next to me and I’m alone, dreaming of you.

None of them are you

I’m sure in time I’ll find the one who makes me forget everything you are and keeps me from thinking about everything you can be.  For now, you invade the silent space between my heart and mind and timeless memories roll like waves behind my eyes.

So until then, none of them are you and you were never mine and we were never anything but a dream.